The MILF of Asgard
by sweetteasus
Summary: Smartass Family fic Tony/Loki with Peter Parker as their son . Loki's new T-shirt is causing quite the stir...


**Hey, I just met this fandom/ and this is crazy/ so here's some Smartass family/so enjoy it, maybe? *shot***

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters nor do I have the permission to use them. But you knew that already.**

* * *

Tony wasn't normally one for crude T-shirts. He found them vulgar and distasteful and felt that a crude joke was much better spoken than advertised on a shirt for all to see. However, upon seeing this particular shirt, he found himself amending that view. Glancing to make sure Peter wasn't paying attention to the reason why he'd stopped, he quickly texted him that he would meet him at the food court before ducking into the store in order to buy the shirt. Tony couldn't help but look gleeful as he placed the shirt on the register, his mind imagining just how funny this was going to be. The cashier looked at the shirt, looked at Tony before shrugging. Tony grabbed his purchase and sprinted to the food court, trying not laugh. When Peter finally caught up to him, hands full of bags, he asked him what it was that he had bought at Spencer's.

"A little something for your mother." Tony leered and Peter decided he was better off not knowing.

* * *

Loki narrowed his eyes at the shirt laid out on the bed. Normally, Loki detested wearing off-the-rack clothing; since coming to Midgard he found himself enjoying name-brand designer clothing (made accessible by Stark's credit card). Because of his penchant for being a sharp dresser (even his Asgardian leathers were stylish) he frequently found himself at the top of the "best-dressed villains" list (suck on that, Dr. Doom). So when Tony had returned from taking Peter clothes shopping with a small bag for Loki that was _not_ from Armani, he was suspicious. "Oh, it's a very popular store," Tony had said, "it has a lot of things that would appeal to you."

Loki picked up the shirt and looked at it. He was still learning Midgardian terms and slang, but the fact that it proudly proclaimed him to be Number 1 was appealing. He slipped the shirt over his head, liking how it clung to him in the right places. It wasn't tailored, he thought as he stepped into a pair of his Calvin Klein jeans, but it would suffice. He would have to make sure he asked Stark what the word "Milf" meant.

He strolled out into the living room where Tony was seated on the couch, tinkering away on his StarkPad. Tony looked up and grinned when he saw that Loki was wearing the shirt. This was going to be a fun day, Tony thought as he scooted over to make room.

"Nice shirt." Tony said as the god gracefully deposited himself next to Tony.

"Thank you. It is most comfortable." Loki said, stretching. Tony watched as the shirt rode up, exposing a thin strip of Loki's stomach. Tony licked his lips.

"It looks good on you." Loki smirked.

"Everything looks good on me, Stark." Tony rolled his eyes. And here he thought he had the biggest ego of them all. Loki curled up and rested his head on Tony's shoulder.

"Stark, I have a question."

"And I have an answer." Tony said smugly.

"What does the term "milf" mean?" Tony wanted to laugh, everything was going exactly how he pictured it. Carefully, he schooled his features into an easy smile.

"It's a compliment. One of the highest titles you can ever hope to receive." Tony said, dying on the inside. "And the fact that you're the Number 1 Milf means that you've received the highest of the highest." Loki looked thoughtful at that.

"I suppose you're right. I am indeed the Number 1 Milf." Loki said.

"Oh, no arguing with you there." Tony said, trying to choke back a giggle.

* * *

_This is better than television_, Tony thought as he gleefully watched Loki bustle around the kitchen.

"Stark, where do you keep the tuna?" Loki asked. Tony grinned.

"Top shelf of the cabinet next to the stove." Loki opened the cabinet door and stretched, again causing his shirt to ride up, exposing the small of his back.

"I don't see it."

"Oh. Try the cabinet on the other side of the stove. Top shelf." Tony leered. Loki was just about to order Tony to show him the tuna when Thor bounded into the kitchen, still dressed in his pajamas.

"Greetings, Brother and Friend Stark!" He bellowed, smiling.

"Morning, Big Guy." Tony said, returning the smile.

"It's two o'clock in the afternoon, Thor. Hardly morning." Loki said, turning to face his brother. Thor looked sheepish.

"I did not hear the alarm…" Tony patted him on the shoulder.

"It's alright, it happens sometimes." Thor nodded before striding over to where Loki was standing by the counter and picked up a box of Poptarts. Thor glanced as Loki's shirt and cocked his head to the side.

"Brother, what does your shirt say?" Loki puffed out his chest and smirked.

"It says Number 1 Milf. Can you not read?" _Definitely better than television_, Tony thought. Thor scratched his head.

"But what does it mean?"

"It's the highest of all titles one could hope to receive." Thor nodded.

"How does one become a Milf? Could I become one?" Loki was about to say something when Tony cut him off.

"Sorry Big Guy. It's a very rare title. I hate to say it," Tony bit back a grin, "but you don't have what it takes." Loki looked smug.

"Oh. Well, then I am glad my brother is the Number 1 Milf. Perhaps we could ask Father to work that into your title." Thor said.

"Prince Loki, Milf of Asgard. I like it." Loki mused. Tony was finding it very hard to keep a straight face. That shirt was turning into the best purchase of his life.

"Hey guys, what's going on." Steve said, coming into the kitchen.

"My brother is the Number 1 Milf!" Thor exclaimed. Tony wished he had told Jarvis to record this day. Record it and upload it to his computer so he could watch it when there was nothing good on TV.

"Uh, that's good…congratualations, Loki?" Steve said, confused.

"Thank you, Rogers." Loki said, trying to puff out his chest more.

"I'm not really clear on these Asgardian terms, though. Is it a title?" Steve asked.

"It's not an Asgardian term, it's a Midgardian one. Don't you know your own words?" Loki said.

"I was frozen in ice for seventy years! Things have changed!" Steve protested.

"It's a Midgardian term. It's the highest title one can receive!" Thor said, happy to finally know something about Earth that Steve did not.

"Ohh…well, congratulations, then." Steve said, still a little confused. Loki smirked and glanced at Tony.

"Stark has seen it fit to give me this shirt, therefore giving me the title of Number 1 Milf." Tony wondered briefly if it were possible to die from laughter.

At that moment, the elevator opened to reveal Peter, who was home from school. He waved at everyone before coming into the kitchen.

"Hey guys." He said, dropping his backpack on the stool next to Tony before walking over to the fridge.

"How was school?" Steve asked, smiling at Peter.

"It was alright, I guess." Peter said, pulling out a can of Coke. He popped the top and starting drinking.

"Young Parker, today is a most glorious day for your mother has just been deemed the Number 1 Milf." Thor said proudly. Peter's reaction was priceless as well as all over Steve's shirt.

"Aww, Peter, I just washed this shirt." Steve said, grabbing some paper towels to wipe the Coke off his shirt. Peter gaped before looking at Loki and noticing his shirt.

"Where did you get that!" He exclaimed, pointing at Loki. Loki looked affronted before pointing at Tony.

"Your father has deemed it appropriate to gift me this shirt. He felt that I deserved it." Peter brought a hand up to his face before glaring at Tony, who was trying his damnedest not to laugh.

"Dad, I told you to keep that stuff for the bedroom. Things I do not need to know!"

"On the contrary, Young Parker. I feel that is very important for a child to know that his mother has been deemed the Number 1 Milf." Thor said, smiling at Loki.

"Do you even know what that means!" Peter screeched, pointing at the shirt.

"It's a title. Only the highest compliment you can be paid." Loki said. Peter whipped his hand up to his forehead. What has his life become, he wondered.

"It means 'Mom I'd Like to…." He trailed off, not wanting to finish the sentence. He glared at Tony.

"Mom I'd like to what?" Steve asked, getting the last of the drink up. Tony decided now would be a good time to let the laughter out.

"Stark, why are you laughing?" Loki asked, watching the man practically keel over from laughing so hard.

"Oh man, to think you actually wore that shirt around…" He weezed in between giggles. Steve and Thor glanced at each other.

"It means…it means Mom I'd Like to Fuck…" Tony said, before collapsing into another giggle-fit. Realization dawned on Loki's face before it quickly turned into something more malicious.

"Stark…." Loki hissed. The temperature dropped at least forty degrees.

"Well, um, I'm going to go throw this shirt in the wash." Steve said, noticing the gathering storm clouds out the window. He glanced at Thor and noticed the stony look on his face. "Come on Peter, you can help me."

"Glad to." Peter nervously, scurrying behind Steve, praying that Loki wouldn't destroy the kitchen.

"Friend Stark." Thor thundered, looming over Tony. "Are you making an ungentlemanly assumption about my brother's honor." Tony quickly stopped laughing, noticing that he was left alone with two angry Norse gods: one that was incredibly over-protective and one who would not hesitate to turn him into a slug.

"It really is a compliment!" Tony said, trying in vain to defend himself. Loki stepped forward, placing himself between his brother and Tony.

"Do not worry, Thor. I will take care of this." Loki said, dangerously. Thor nodded before leaving the kitchen, not before giving Tony a "friendly" squeeze on the shoulder. Tony gulped.

"Now, Loki…" He said, backing away from the god.

"Say your prayers, Stark." Loki said, green sparks shooting up from his fingertips.

"Please don't hurt me."


End file.
